Christmas is a time when many head out to celebrate but it can lead to mistakes which mean some drinkers are not popular with other customers and bar workers
Christmas can be a busy time for all. Not only are the presents to buy and wrap and food to organiser but there can be a stream of festive celebrations. December can be hectic with pubs and restaurants crammed with people enjoying the season.
But a pub has taken to Facebook to outline a series of mistakes they say some customerss make which leaves them “hated” by both regulars and staff. The Royal, in Hartlepool has even been told its social media post could “backfire” despite it warning people not to read it if they are easily offended.
Telling customers they have “rules” the warns: “It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine.
“We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”. Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us.
“Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful.”
The post, which has been posted on several other Facebook sites, goes on to list seven rules for the rookie pub-goers.
Do not approach the bar until you know what you want
It tells revellers: “The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function.
“Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!”
Do not start drinking at 4pm
The Facebook warning continues: “You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.”
You are in a round
It adds: “I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with.
“That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guinness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop.”
The post then gives further advice saying: “Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guinness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to just **** off.”
Know where you are
Drinkers are also advised to see what kind of place they are in. It tells them: “If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorised from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that cocktail you saw on Sex And The City.”
Attracting attention
It then deals with the issue of whose turn is next, telling them: “Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next.
“Do you know why? Because there are no ‘Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar’.” It says the ultimate decision is down to the bartender and warns not to annoy them.
It continues: “Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club).”
The post then tells customers not to click their fingers as if in a Parisian Cafe or whistling like a Shepherd herding his flock. “These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue,” it says.
Preferential treatment
The post then looks at queue-jumping. It says: “If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut up.
“That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills. Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it.”
Time is time
It finishes by warning “time is time”. It says: “Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer.
“It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement.”
‘Backfire warning’
However, some think the post might not have the desired effect. Sharing the post on Hartlepool together Debbie warned: “Ha ha could back fire this post like.”
Leighanne added: “Wow just wow.” Katie said: “Am not a drinker but I know when to stop.”
It did leave many laughing including Martin who promised to follow the advice. He said: “OK. If l do get out this Xmas I will do my best to adhere too these odd rules. Party poopers.”
The hard-hitting advice was also posted on the Hillsborough Tap Facebook page where it gained a lot of support. Emma said: “I love this. And most importantly……. Order ALL drinks at once and group them! DO NOT order one pint at a time when you’re in a round of ten.”
Zoe said: “Having spent decades working bars and events this is absolutely spot on! I knew what every single one of the regulars drank in the pubs I worked, the groups always ordered as a collective and I regularly served 2 customers at a time.”
Sue said: “This is utter genius. If only I was brave enough to post it. Thanks for making me giggle.” Theresa said: “I couldn’t of said it better. ” And Eddie simply asked: “Can I be Bob?”
