Dear Coleen,
I’m a 19-year-old girl and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who’s 28, for two years. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me after a pretty awful childhood.
I’m an only child and both my parents were alcoholics. My dad died when I was 10 and my mum went even more off the rails, so I went to live with my aunt, who’s wonderful and more like a mum to me than my own mother, who I’m not in touch with any more.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married and even though I’m young, I’m considering it. He’s such a stable, sensible person with a good job and I feel completely safe and happy with him. We also have a lot of fun together and, even though there’s a bit of an age gap, neither of us feels it.
If I got married, I’d still finish university and start my career. However, I’m worried about bringing up the subject of marriage with my aunt, as I think she might be disappointed because I’m so young. She’s done a lot for me and I don’t want to do anything to upset her.
Do you think anyone is ready for marriage at 19? I know none of my friends are even thinking about it and most aren’t even in a serious relationship.
Coleen says,
Take a pause and consider if you’re jumping in too quickly because you’re looking for security and something of your own. I totally get it because you’ve experienced a lot of trauma and you feel safe with your boyfriend but, if he’s the right person, then he’ll love and support you whether you get married or not.
I met my first hubby at 21 and, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how young we both were to take that step. My daughter went travelling the world at 21 – now she has a baby and, when she gets married next year, she’ll be 26. She met her fiancé when she was a teenager, but they waited to get married because they wanted to do other things first.
I think you have to expect your auntie and your friends to ask why you’re in a rush. Ask yourself that same question and be honest. Why not talk to your auntie and ask her advice? And don’t get upset if she does have an opinion that doesn’t fit with yours. She might advise waiting because, if this is the real thing, a couple of years won’t make any difference.
It’s also important to reflect on how far you’ve come and to remember that you already have security with your auntie and friends, as well as your boyfriend. You’re doing brilliantly, and should be proud of yourself.
Coleen’s words of wisdom…
If you’ve recently had a break-up, remember this: it’s normal to miss your ex and to want to reach out, but it’s not a sign you should go back. You’re feeling the absence of something and craving the familiar, but you just need time.