Dear Coleen,
Over the past four years I’ve endured a lot of verbal abuse from my son due to alcohol and ketamine addictions. I’ve been his emotional punchbag – he’s called me every name under the sun and blamed me for all his bad choices. After trying every-thing to help him, I decided to back off for the sake of my own mental health. He just kept telling me and my daughter that we were the problem.
She and most of his friends stopped talking to him too, as all he wanted from them was money. If they said no, he’d get verbally abusive. My daughter and I blocked him on Facebook and everywhere, except his phone number, which I kept open for emergencies.
To cut a long story short, he’s trying to connect with me again after saying he’s found God. But he’s lied so many times I can’t trust him, and I’m finding it hard to believe a word he’s saying about going to counselling and quitting drugs and alcohol. I don’t live close to him, so it is difficult to see what’s happening.
He wants to meet and have a meal for his birthday, but I haven’t had a proper apology for his behaviour and I don’t feel ready yet. It’s also a long drive, bearing in mind I’m 70 with health problems, only to get there and be upset by what I find. Do you think I should go?
Coleen says,
If you don’t feel ready to meet, that’s what you should tell him. You don’t have to be awful, say something like, “I’m really glad you’re starting to sort your life out and, if it’s through finding faith, that’s great, but I still have scars from what we’ve been through and don’t feel ready.”
I know something of what you’re feeling, as one of my sons went to rehab. It takes a lot of time for you to rebuild trust because addicts become so adept at lying. I’m not speaking out of turn here – my son Shane and I have both talked about it publicly.
When he came out of rehab, he seemed brilliant and felt great, but I still had so much fear and doubt, which made me terribly guilty, as he’d done the work to get better.
So, it took time and that’s what you need to rebuild the trust and your relationship. Shane was never abusive to me, so what you’re feeling is tenfold and you mustn’t allow your son to make you feel guilty for protecting yourself.
If he genuinely wants to make amends, he’ll accept that and keep trying to prove he has changed and you can trust him. Also, he should come to you or at least meet you halfway on neutral ground.
Coleen’s Words of Wisdom
Never feel guilty about changing your mind, protecting your own peace, moving on from relationships or situations you’ve outgrown, starting again, or taking time to make a decision. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes.