Dear Coleen,
I’m a woman in my early 50s and I’ve been married for 25 years. Since I started going through menopause, I’ve become very insecure in my marriage. My husband is very comfortable in female company – interested, chatty and attentive – yet he never gives me the same attention.
I’m always the one who initiates affection and conversations, but he’s so proactive when it comes to other women and I feel jealous. I’m confident he loves me and sex is still pretty regular and good, but I just feel he’s disengaged emotionally.
If I’m being 100 per cent honest, I suppose I’ve always been a bit insecure because he’s my first and only love and the only man I’ve ever had sex with, while he had girlfriends before we met. Since menopause, those insecurities have just become bigger.
The other week, we had a huge row because he gave a friend’s wife a lift home from a party, as the husband was at another event. So I had to wait for him at the party, getting more and more annoyed. I know there’s nothing shady going on, but it irritated me for some reason. Is there anything you can suggest that might help how I’m feeling?
Coleen says,
Firstly, the menopause affects us mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. It’s a very challenging time for all women and I felt more anxious and began questioning lots of things in my life. You don’t say if you’re getting help with it, but it’s worth exploring options, including HRT, with your GP or gynaecologist.
Your husband may not have been making much effort for a while – which is a rut many people in comfortable long-term relationships fall into – but because you’re feeling less confident in yourself, it’s affecting you more. But, naturally, he has to make an effort socially when he’s with other people.
Relationships need nurturing over the years, and it sounds like he’s given up or feels he doesn’t need to make any effort. You need to feel that he still wants to be in this marriage.
However, he won’t change if he doesn’t realise there’s a problem, so you must tell him how you’re feeling about your marriage and talk about how you move forward. Be very clear about what’s missing for you and hopefully it’ll be a wake-up call.
On the positive side, you love each other and have a good sex life, so that’s a great foundation for rebuilding romance and a more intimate emotional connection. Good luck!
Words of Wisdom
You can love someone, but recognise they’re not good for you. Maybe they’re selfish or unreliable; maybe they expect too much of you, while giving little in return. Walking away doesn’t mean you don’t care – it means you care about yourself.