Dear Coleen,
My partner and I are separated, although we’re still living in the same house (sleeping apart), as we have two young children together and didn’t want to make any snap decisions with them in mind. Plus, we can’t really afford to run two separate homes.
It’s been a challenge, though, and I try to get away with the kids at the weekends as much as possible. We broke up because he had an affair, which lasted over a year. When I found out about it, he was pretty unrepentant and tried to blame me for everything that was wrong in our relationship.
He did end the affair eventually, although I suspect she probably dumped him because she couldn’t deal with all his baggage and complications.
My issue now is that we’ve been reconnecting a bit and he’s made a huge effort for me and the kids. Then, the other night, he admitted that he’d messed up and he’s realised we’re his whole world and he wants to try to save our relationship.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do with this latest revelation. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to trust him, let alone sleep with him again.
It does make me sad, though, when I see him with our kids because he’s a good dad. My brain is scrambled – have you any advice?
Coleen says,
He wasn’t thinking of the kids when he had the affair. I think it’s a mistake to simply try to carry on where you left off without doing the proper work. Have couples therapy, look at why the affair happened and what’s going to stop it happening again.
He needs to take accountability for what he did and acknowledge the impact it’s had on you. You’ve been betrayed and deeply hurt.
Also, keep in mind that you can do the work and never reach a point where you trust him. Trust takes seconds to destroy, but a long time to rebuild. After an affair, I’m not sure it’s possible to ever go back to trusting that person 100%. Plenty of couples do carry on after an affair, but it changes things.
However, if you are both up for trying, then do the work and take it very slowly. Don’t make it just about the kids – it should be about what you want and need. They won’t benefit from growing up in a home where their mother is desperately unhappy.
You need to be convinced that he’s genuine and not just desperate and out of other options. If you decide it’s not going to work for you, then make a coparenting plan. You can still be good parents if you’re not together. Good luck.
Coleen’s words of wisdom
Allow your friends to have friends, let them change and evolve and set boundaries. Accept they might mess up sometimes. Allow them to tell you the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable. And celebrate their wins with them. They’ll return the favour.