Jennie Sutton is an award-winning divorce coach and founder of Untying the Knot. Here’s how to spot the signs your marriage is struggling – and some unexpected ways to heal
When I got married I was 24, it was a traditional church ceremony, I was in love and hopeful and excited about a long, happy future together. However, like many couples, the reality was very different to what I had imagined. As the years passed, I doubted myself more and more. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I did what many women do: I adapted, I rationalised and I tried “harder”.
My self-worth quietly deteriorated, and I learned to numb the discomfort through drinking a glass or two more than usual, rather than question what I was experiencing. But one night, as I was wiping down the kitchen surfaces a quiet inner voice said, “If you’re staying for others, it’ll slowly erode your wellbeing”. That was the moment that the penny dropped. Love, I learned, is not always enough to sustain a marriage and unhappiness on its own is a valid reason to leave.
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It’s something that Zoe Ball reflected on in the latest episode of her podcast with Jo Whiley, Dig it, in response to a listener’s question. Discussing the agonising period before she and her husband Norman Cook ended their marriage after 18 years, Zoe said, “You try everything and you think this is not working and then the anticipation of coming out with it and saying to your partner ‘this is the time’ is so scary because it’s overwhelming on all fronts.
“You’re worrying about your kids, you’re worrying about your partner and you’re worrying about you and how it will all work out. Something I can tell you from personal experience is that, yes, it is a lot to go through but you will come out the other side of it – and the fact that you know you need to do this you will all be better in the end. The kids will be fine, it’s amazing how resilient kids can be.”
Like Zoe, I’m now on the other side and in the past seven years since my marriage came to an end, I’ve created a new, single life for myself. And I’m now a divorce coach, using my experiences to help other women who’ve lost themselves in marriage. I help them recognise when their union is over and I also help guide them to get the help they need if their relationship can be revived. Here’s how to spot the signs your marriage is struggling – and some unexpected ways to heal and spark new life.
You feel lonelier with them than on your own
Loneliness in a marriage feels like a room stripped bare – the walls are still there but the warmth, colour and vitality have faded. To reconnect with each other, discover each other’s love languages. This means that you might need physical touch to feel love, but your spouse might prefer words of affirmation (praise), or acts of service (a cup of tea in the morning).
How to heal: Even small, regular gestures, such as making a coffee the way your partner likes it, leaving a short note of appreciation, or taking five minutes to really listen, can restore intimacy. Over time, these micro-moments add up, transforming isolation into connection.
You can’t wait to spend time away from them
If being away without your spouse feels like a reset button for your nervous system and a few hours of pure “you”, this is a hint that both of you might need to rediscover your independence.
How to heal: See alone time as a break from the stresses and strains that you carry together. And when you’re back together, share your solo experiences together. Start to discover each other as two full people, not two halves who might be suffocating each other.
You miss who you used to be
You may find that somewhere along the way, ‘you’ disappeared into ‘us’ along with your passions and solo adventures. But don’t forget that relationships thrive when both partners feel alive individually.
How to heal: Embrace your old passions, and find some new ones, whether it’s painting, acting, singing, reading, hiking or salsa dancing. Not only will you feel more alive, but your partner gets to see you as the whole person you’ve always been.
You avoid talking about them with other people
When friends and family ask how your partner is, do you dodge the question? This might be because you’ve subconsciously deleted them from the conversation, sometimes out of fear, frustration or embarrassment. This habit can erode connection.
How to heal: Consider seeing a third party such as a coach, therapist or even a trusted friend who can try and understand why you’re doing this.
‘Fine’ is the answer to every question
Does your partner reply to every question about how they are with, ‘fine’? That word can mean an awful lot more than first appears including fear, boredom or disconnection.
How to heal: Tell your partner how it makes you feel: “When you say ‘fine’, I feel shut out. I want to know how you really are.” Use open questions such as, “what was the highlight of your day?” This gives your partner a chance to re-engage and is a reminder to both of you that communication is a shared responsibility.
You already know how arguments will go
Arguments can fall into a familiar pattern where you speak, they deflect and you shrink. It can feel like the same old sequence, replayed like a scratched vinyl record.
How to heal: Break this cycle by creating a daily rewind – allow yourselves to have 15 minutes to chat about what went well, what could’ve gone better, and if you could have the row again, what would you change? Interactions like this increase connection. Over time, you might start to notice subtle shifts, for example, more willingness to explore each other’s perspective, and a sense that your partner is on the same page.
Your body always feels tense
Perhaps you always seem to have tight shoulders, clenched jaws and restless legs? These physical signs can often mirror tension in your relationship.
How to heal: Take a physical approach with your partner – try touching each other, shared movement or even breathing in sync, all of which can release stress. Take time together, have a walk after dinner or even hold hands while listening to music. Small gestures like these can reset not only your body but also your emotional rhythm.
Your social world has reduced
Over the years, friends may fade and social circles tighten but don’t forget that fresh perspectives invigorate relationships. Consider encouraging new experiences, meeting new people and sharing what you learn, as they all add fuel to your relational fire.
How to heal: Attend a workshop, join a local club, or even host a dinner with a mix of old and new friends. You’ll find that different conversation with new ideas, fun debates and shared laughter can all inspire your relationship.
*Jennie Sutton is an award-winning divorce coach and founder of Untying the Knot (untyingtheknot.me). She’s also a contributor to Emotional Alchemy: The True Stories of Turning Breakup and Divorce Pain into Power by Sara Davison, available at amazon.co.uk
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