Poor King Charles has a younger brother who can’t leave the house without causing an international scandal, says Fleet Street Fox. But there is something we can do with that
“Sigh,” said a Buckingham Palace insider to numerous reporters. “We’ve all got a difficult relative, haven’t we?”
Well, yes. There’s a mildly racist uncle, an in-law to make you grit your teeth, someone else’s obnoxious offspring, or a belligerent grandparent who wants the telly up loud enough to be heard three streets away.
Meanwhile in Windsor, the King’s younger brother’s been on the dole for five years, has a £30m house funded who-knows-how, had to bung £12m to a woman claiming to be a victim of sex trafficking, and now seems to be the port of entry for a Chinese spying operation, with questions being asked about whether money went somewhere it shouldn’t.
“It just goes to show how completely normal the Royal Family is,” said the courtier without batting an eyelid. And it is indeed a completely normal festive set-up. IN THE MAFIA.
Coverage of the latest Royal scandal, like so many of the others, centres on the Duke of York. His life and role as the second son is the salutary example taken to heart by both Prince Harry and the Brothers Grimm, and commentary has focused on what King Charles can do about his troublesome younger brother.
The options seem to be i) inviting him to Christmas lunch ii) not inviting him to Christmas lunch iii) maybe inviting him to lunch but not to the church.
No-one is saying ‘hmm, maybe ask the security services why it took 10 years to unmask a suspected Chinese spy?’ Nor has anyone considered asking Andrew to pop down to MI6 and help them with their inquiries. It’s being said that no-one has the legal right to look at his bank accounts and ask where the money came from, although that’s literally what HMRC does every day. Even the idea of removing him from the Order of the Garter, an ancient order of chivalry to which he is about as entitled to belong as I am to the Order of the Quietly Obedient, has merely been quietly suggested as almost an afterthought.
It is true that, as the courtiers insist, the King can’t divorce a blood relative, and to de-Royal Andrew would imply the Sovereign could themselves be stripped of titles. He’s committed no crime, done nothing officially wrong, and hasn’t surprised a soul. So what can one do, with a 64-year-old perpetual embarrassment who can’t be locked up, exiled or beheaded? In an inverse Dragon’s Den, it’s clearly time for the public to pick what he should be selling us.
1. No Sweat roll-on deodorant. Say goodbye to dampness, but it can stain the reputation
2. Randy Andy, the sex doll used to teach young women who to avoid in nightclubs
3. Voice of the Pizza Express automated booking system – he’ll never forget your reservations
4. Rehabilitator of child sex offenders. Well, someone’s got to, and he seems willing to try
5. The patient with an impossible medical condition for the eventual reboot of Doc Martin
6. The new host of Masterchef
7. The next Archbishop of Canterbury, because Andrew at least knows what a child abuser looks like
8. The next curator of the Dorset Teddy Bear Museum
9. Automated alibi generator for those granted legal aid. “That’s definitely me in the picture, your honour, but it’s not my hand”
10. Stand-in BBC newsreader, to be kept with the black ties for when pompous Royal protocol is required
11. The next chief of MI6, who presumably needs some help finding Chinese spies
12. Welcomer of Immigrants at the Port of Dover, showing them what the British Establishment and being “if anything, too honourable” can achieve
13. A defiler of monarchies and other despots, to be posted around the world at short notice to bring about regime change according to the whim of the British government. First mission: Washington DC
14. Jeffrey Archer’s PR man
15. Bernie Ecclestone’s next accountant
16. Salsa coach for Matt Hancock’s inevitable assault on the Glitterball trophy
17. Sex therapist, who can always be relied on to tell you “sex is a positive action”, so long as you’re a man
18. Bashar al Assad’s apologist. I have no recollection of a bone saw
19. Boosting the Ukrainian defence against Russian aggression by providing practice for Volodomyr Zelenskyy’s troops
20. Royal S**t Magnet, capable of attracting all the crap that would otherwise besmirch impoverished minor Royals, and making us glad the senior ones can be trusted to have their toothpaste squeezed for them by a proper servant. Oh wait, he’s already doing that
21. Children’s entertai… no. Too far.
The fact is that in any other family, Andrew would have been kicked to the kerb decades ago. Had any of our siblings hung out with internationally-renowned paedophiles, we’d act like they’d died, rather than insist they sneak in the back way on Christmas Eve. And if YOUR brother was friends with a suspected spy who’d been deported, he’d be spending Christmas answering questions in the basement of Scotland Yard, with the spooks in his bank account quicker than he could tap in the pin code.
Andrew is not a difficult relative so much as a walking liability, capable it would seem of bringing down almost by accident global spy rings, seedy financiers, and the daughters of newspaper moguls, while somehow finding millions of pounds to fund a lifestyle that if you believe reports revolves around the odd game of golf and watching aeroplanes land at Heathrow.
Ah, wait. I’ve got it. He’s a perfect fit – the man no-one suspects, the person who just accidentally happens to be near all the wrong people at the wrong time, and somehow always comes out on top.
He’s the next James Bond, isn’t he? One for the woke generation, where there’s absolutely no sex, our hero behaves far too honourably at all times, and he always keeps his cool. Even if the King is going purple and kicking one of the leftover corgis. Prince Andrew, clearly, was born with a licence to shill.
