Brandiece fled domestic abuse aged eight with her mum and moved into a refuge, but her nearly-16-old-brother was too old to join them and had to live elsewhere. Once close, their relationship never recovered. She bravely shares her story, and tells why more must be done to keep families together
When Brandiece’s mum fled from a violent man – taking her children with her – despite finding safety, the family was ripped apart again.
For, while women, girls and younger boys were welcome at the refuge, because of the many vulnerable people staying there, her older teenage brother had to go elsewhere – causing a permanent rift.
Even once they were rehoused, he did not return and their relationship remains distant.
But Brandiece says families are still being separated when traditional communal refuges aren’t suitable for all concerned.
Brandiece, 38, is a content creator with a 20-year-old daughter, living in south west London. She says: “I lived in Reading at the time, with a brother, Darius, two years younger than me, and an older brother, Lee, seven years older.
“My older brother and I were especially close. He would always look after me. He’d ride his bike from his school to my school and I’d ride on the handlebars all the way home.”
When she was eight, Brandiece recalls witnessing a shocking incident.
“I saw Mum running out of the house and down the road,” she says.
“I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know there was abuse – but of course, there was.”
Soon after, the family fled.
“One day after school my mum told us we were leaving. We got the train to London with loads of black bags,” she says.
“Someone met us off the train and took us to this big house in Chiswick, west London. It was a refuge, which was actually the first one to ever open in 1971. It was dark and it was raining.”
Just a child, Brandiece was confused, adding: “My big brother wasn’t there.”
Lee was very nearly 16. There are age limitations on male children when it comes to shared refuges, which exist primarily for the safety, comfort, and privacy of other female residents, many of whom are survivors of male violence.
“He had to go into a supported home, instead, a hostel but for young adults,” Brandiece explains.
“When we got into the house we were shown to the top floor, it was a big room with a double bed and two single beds. There wasn’t one for my brother. I felt instantly worried.”
The family settled in.
“The refuge was amazing, it was like a big family. We’d arrived in the night so it was quiet but as we woke up it was busy, happy and there were kids everywhere. It was Christmastime, so decorated beautifully.
“There was a big kitchen with big bench tables and a couple of fridges, and washing machines and dryers too. I remember there being loads of doors everywhere, which were people’s rooms.
“‘What is this place?’ I thought.’There are so many people in my house.’ I didn’t know what a refuge was.”
Brandiece started a new school.
“They gave me some uniform and told me I couldn’t tell anyone where I lived.
“Even as an eight year old, I understood what that meant then – I was somewhere important, and it would be dangerous if I said where I was.”
Her mum never explained where they were.
“We’ve never spoken about it properly,” says Brandiece, who lived in the refuge for six to nine months, before moving to a hotel in Paddington, then to a flat in Chelsea – both in west London.
“We had to move schools again, because the commute was too far for my mum with no car. I didn’t have any friends because we kept moving schools and areas. Every time we moved I had to start again,” says Brandiece.
In the meantime, Lee moved out of London and to the Midlands.
“He started his own life. He came to see us very occasionally, but the separation from us meant he had to go it alone,” she recalls.
“He got a girlfriend, who already had a child and started his own family. There was no social media then, so there wasn’t much communication. It was never the same again. And for that I’ll always be sad.
“Now we’re both adults, we occasionally speak. But we had completely different upbringings.”
Psychologist Dr Audrey Tang says: “When someone leaves a domestic abuse situation it is not usually a thought through and planned process. It can happen at a moment’s notice in an environment of complete chaos, not to mention danger – and the person fleeing a situation is often leaving their whole known network behind.
“To then add that if a male child also fleeing the situation is 16 plus and not allowed to be in the same refuge as the parent and siblings – this could even become a barrier to choosing to escape.
“While, of course, the safety of those already in refuge must be considered, the importance of keeping a family together – who have just escaped an unbearable situation – is extremely high. They will need each other for support, they will be connected by their shared experiences – which others may not understand.
“Being able to process them as a family unit can be helpful to begin the healing process. Not to mention that 16 is not that old.
“Research is unanimous in suggesting that it is our support networks that play an essential role in both longevity and good mental and physical health – to break the only network a person may have feels unconscionable.”
Brandiece agrees, saying: “I understand why we had to live apart from my brother, but it doesn’t make it right. And because my mum didn’t talk about it, I had nobody to talk to with him gone. I also went from being looked after by him, to being the one to look after my little brother – I grew up overnight.”
At 18, Brandiece fell pregnant with her daughter and moved out. She worked as an office manager, before becoming a content creator during Covid. She now has 125,000 followers on Instagram, and 270,000 followers on TikTok, where she posts about her life.
“A lot of women are scared to leave an abusive relationship, especially with children. They have a fear that it might mess up the child’s life,” she says. “When you go into a refuge you’re leaving everything and everyone behind. It’s scary…but it saves lives. And I’m proof that a child will be fine. It’s better than staying in that domestic violence situation.”
But she feels more needs to be done to help families to stay together.
“My relationship with Lee was never the same again. I desperately needed him when I was eight and he was ripped away from me,” she says.
Despite the separation, she is incredibly positive about life in the refuge and has fond memories, especially of the Christmas she spent there.
And she urges other mums with children to not hesitate in leaving abusive relationships.
She says of the refuge: “It shaped me. It gave me such confidence as a child, which is so embedded in me. And it’s one of the main things that people notice about me, even now.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world. At Christmas we got presents, we were looked after. It was nice, clean, there were other kids in there I could play with.
“If you’re scared to leave because you’re worried about what could happen there, don’t be. Your kids are going to be fine.”
Refuge launched a campaign with Omaze last month, guaranteeing £1 million to expand safe, accessible housing options. Entries to the Yorkshire House Draw – offering a luxury £4.5 million home and £500,000 in cash – close on Sunday (23 November).
*Brandiece is supporting Refuge and its fundraising prize draw with Omaze, which is giving away a stunning house in Yorkshire worth £4.5 million – along with £500,000 in cash – enter now HERE before midnight this Sunday.
*Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. For further information and advice, visit nationaldahelpline.org.uk. For support with tech-facilitated abuse, visit refugetechsafety.org
