I’m a health and sex expert – here’s how to find your libido in older age and have the best orgasm of your life 

There’s a certain stigma about sex in older people, it’s almost taboo. The thing that we were encouraged to do – and lots of it! – in our 20s and 30s suddenly becomes hushed as we age. Well Dr Miriam Stoppard is here to help.

“I’m here to tell you that you’re missing out on great sex. Intimacy in older age can be just as good, if not better, than it was when you were younger,” says Dr Miriam Stoppard, whose new book Sex, Drugs and Walking Sticks: A guide to living your best life in your 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, is out now. A health and sex expert, she’s published over 80 books and sold 25 million plus copies around the world. “I want people to continue to see themselves as sexual beings. Sex goes on and age is no reason for it to stop.”

To help reignite that spark whether you’re single, dating or in a long term relationship, Dr Stoppard has created an exclusive sex plan, just for Mirror readers. She says: “Consider it your antidote to ageism. Your best sex of your life is still ahead of you if you want it. It’s just there waiting to be woken up.”

READ MORE: Ghostlighting, lovebombing and bashing the ex – red flags to look out for in dating

SEX BENEFITS

“Sex at any age provides ecstasy and also reliably makes us feel wanted, cared for, worthwhile, confident and joyous. It brings with it a kind of theatre of positive emotions. And while your body, and therefore sex, may change at every decade of your life, being intimate is no less enjoyable,” says Dr Stoppard. “Think of sex, or if you’re single, pleasuring yourself, like an essential vitamin – it floods your body with feelgood, vital sex hormones which are like a life force.”

NOW IS THE TIME

Forget the past: “Stop reminiscing about how wonderful sex was and accept what it is now,” says Dr Stoppard. “It might be different, but it can be just as good. It’s a shame if people think they can’t do it anymore – they can. And they should. Old age is a new ball game these days. Indeed, in your 60s, 70s, and 80s you are probably the most assertive you have ever been. Most have more free time, disposable income, take holidays, and benefit from medications that can deal with some of the diseases older people can face. We’re very lucky – this is a new age of good health, happiness – and sex.”

You’ve still got it: “You’re not as virile and sexual as you were when you were younger, and that is fine,” says Dr Stoppard. “Make the most of what you have, which is an awful lot. A woman’s body responds to sex whatever age she is, the way she did when she was younger, given time. The clitoris is as responsive and sensitive as it ever was. Even if you haven’t had sex for a while you can regain the benefits of being in touch with your sexuality. A man is often worried about erectile dysfunction, but if you accept along with stiffer joints, weaker muscles and loss of stamina that it’s a fact of age, you simply have to adjust your sex life like you adjust other things.”

Keep going: “If you have sex all the way through your life, in your 40s and 50s and beyond you’re likely to keep having good sex later on,” says Dr Stoppard. “So don’t quit! It’s when you give up on sex that it becomes diminished and you may find it harder to get back on the horse, so to speak. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner, aim for once a week and it’ll make you feel wonderful.”

FIND YOUR LIBIDO

Explore your sexuality: “Our libido drops as we get older, and we may not want to have sex as often as we used to when we were younger,” says Dr Stoppard. “We just need to give it a little bit more time to wake it up again. Concentrate on it. Allow yourself to have sexual thoughts. You’ll feel like you have a lot of sex ahead of you if you encourage yourself to think about it. Experiment and explore how to reach into your sexuality and bring it nearer the surface.”

Watch porn: “A lot of people watch porn, and it’s very nice to watch it both alone or together with your partner. It’s an easy way to access your libido and can be a great tool if you need a helping hand to get started,” says Dr Stoppard.

Orgasms are almost guaranteed: “If you’ve had an active sex life, all the nerve pathways from your clitoris to your brain are well worn, they’re always there. And this makes reaching an orgasm no problem at all, you’ve established those pathways – the brain clitoris axis,” says Dr Stoppard. “So when you reach your 70s, 80s, the foundation is there – the motorway is there – get in your car and drive it. And if sex doesn’t always end up in orgasm, who cares? It’ll be a lot of fun along the way.”

THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF IT

Embrace change: “As we get older, erections get limper and vaginas get drier. But neither of those things are reasons to forgo sex,” says Dr Stoppard. “Did you know that you don’t actually have to have a very erect penis to enter a woman? Indeed, a limp penis will find sex just as enjoyable and a man will have an orgasm, and even ejaculate.”

Rule of thumb for Viagra: “In order to have an erection a man needs a healthy blood supply and healthy nerves. But as a man ages he can experience narrowing of the arteries and this along with high blood pressure and diabetes can affect an erection,” says Dr Stoppard. “Medications such as Viagra are available, as well as implants and jabs, if you wish to try them. As a rule of thumb, Viagra is suitable for you if you can climb 20 stairs without getting out of breath.”

*Combat dryness: “Vaginal dryness is put right simply with a trip to the pharmacy for some lubricating gel, pH controlled and water based,” says Dr Stoppard. “Lubricate the entrance to the vagina – and inside if you like. Get your partner to do it for you – that’s very sexy and can in fact become part of foreplay.”

Bring back foreplay: “As we get older, it takes us a little more time to warm up,” says Dr Stoppard. “And this is where foreplay comes in, to gently wake up our arousal. Try cuddling, caressing, nuzzling, licking, fingering – all these things will help the penis to stay erect, whereas before it might not have needed any of it. As she ages, a woman is slower to become aroused and slower to lubricate – you just have to help sex on its way.”

SEX TOYS

You are… single

Go solo: “If you don’t have a partner, it’s time to learn how to pleasure yourself. A penis is unnecessary for an orgasm – neither is penetrative sex,” says Dr Stoppard. “Explore the many sex toys on offer and try out a vibrator – you’ll have orgasms like you’ve never had in your life before. Studies show that there are many women out there in their 60s and 70s who have never had an orgasm. Now is your time. Few clitoris’ can resist a dildo, and sex toys often make orgasms stronger and more intense. You’ll find it hugely enjoyable. In your 60s, 70s and 80s you can have multiple orgasms. All a woman’s ‘equipment’ is there, ready to be used.”

You are… in a relationship

Be adventurous: “Don’t be swayed by taboos not to try things. Tap into your spirit of adventure,” says Dr Stoppard. “Now is the time to embrace your dildo. You can use one together for mutual enjoyment – or even get yourself one each. Give yourself permission to sex toys. Their job is to enhance your sex life. What’s not to like? Choose one together and have fun doing so – one of the things that’s implicit is that you’re trying them as a couple, and it opens your mind to new pleasures.”

REIGNITE THE SPARK

Talk openly with your partner: “People think sex is naughty, sinful, that they shouldn’t be having sexual thoughts. I’m giving your permission,” says Dr Stoppard. “Access your libido, and share it with your partner if you have one. Be unafraid to talk about what you have always wanted to do. Honesty is the key to liberating yourself. And even the chat will be arousing. Discuss what you’d really like, what you’ve never done but would really like to try – you’ll find that sex will just flow. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Dress up: “Swapping your regular clothes or underwear for something sexy, is a clear signal to both you and your partner that it’s time to get intimate. And it can be a lot of fun. You’re never too old to dress up and show off your body.”

Try oral sex: “Oral sex is very popular in the older age groups as, for a man, it gives direct stimulation to the penis and a great shot at having an erection. For a woman struggling with dryness too, it’s a natural lubricant and a brilliant alternative to penetrative sex.”