Rosie had been put on medication but wasn’t diagnosed until she had been arrested
A young woman who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder aged 22 following a psychotic episode and arrest at London Stansted Airport has shared her story to raise awareness about the condition and to encourage others to seek support. Growing up in Stroud, Rosie van Amerongen, now aged 29, said she quickly recognised she was different from her peers and was often labelled as “reactive” and “sensitive”.
“One of the earliest signs was when I was 15 I had a friend who developed anorexia, and I got more upset by the situation than she did. I ended up having to take some time off school because I was so anxious about seeing her deteriorate,” Rosie told PA Real Life. “I remember the word sensitive started being attached to me. Everyone was like ‘oh Rosie’s so sensitive’, and when a family member became unwell I couldn’t handle it and I kept having breakdowns.
“I moved school in sixth form to be away from the situation but went into a depression and it was really crippling. I thought once I left school it would be better, but it wasn’t.”
Rosie added that although she struggled with her mental health from a young age, she was always mindful to conceal it from those around her. “When I look back at that time, in videos I seem super happy in the way I presented myself, but I knew that I was masking from quite a young age,” said Rosie. “I was someone who would hate for anyone in the world to know how depressed I was, except from my mum.”
She described this masking process as physically and mentally exhausting. “Masking is just like acting,” said Rosie. “I just didn’t feel like I could ever show that I was depressed or high. The energy it takes to mask it is so exhausting that you just burn out a lot.”
After learning more about bipolar disorder over the past few years and becoming a Bipolar UK ambassador, she has come to understand that everyone experiences the condition differently, though intense highs and lows are a common thread. “I think it is just that breadth in mood and the extremes which bonds people with bipolar. It brings out different parts of people’s personalities and you feel things on a level which is overwhelming,” said Rosie.
“When I’m low, it’s beyond tears. My eyesight, my sense of smell, everything is heightened.”
Rosie was working as a model aged 21 when these highs and lows intensified, triggering a spiral of events that culminated in a crisis point. “I was in a really loving relationship, and overnight something just flipped in my head,” said Rosie. “For eight months, I was navigating the worst anxiety and depression I had ever experienced which meant I had to stop working and was constantly calling ambulances and having panic attacks.
“I was put on SSRIs and it felt like being on cocaine. I couldn’t sleep or concentrate and my heart felt like it was beating at a million miles an hour all the time. I lost faith that I would ever feel normal again.”
After her partner broke up with her during a severe low, Rosie said she remembers feeling a distinctive internal shift, which she initially thought was recovery from depression but later recognised as hypomania. “My thoughts suddenly became so positive and grateful that I’d overcome this illness and my language became very spiritual. Then it flipped into delusion,” shared the former model.
“I started thinking I was a reincarnation of a sibling who had died and was manically posting on Instagram saying that I’d been sent by God.” She shared that she was only sectioned and diagnosed with bipolar after being arrested at London Stansted Airport after a psychotic episode.
“I went into full psychosis at Stansted Airport and jumped through baggage drop off and got arrested. At that point, my hallucinations were so loud. I was hearing voices that were telling me that Satan was coming,” said Rosie. “I think that was my way of reaching crisis point that signalled that I needed help. That was when I got sectioned and stayed in hospital under the supervision of nurses who helped me manage my symptoms in the height of mania in a safe environment.
“I don’t remember much of my time in there, but afterwards I learnt that I would have support for the rest of my life and that I didn’t have to manage it alone. Initially it was excitement and this feeling of relief that I hadn’t been mad my whole life and that something was different, but then came seven months of crippling depression and suicidal thoughts.
“At 21, I just wanted to be normal. It was a horrible experience to go through a diagnosis, and I just feel so sorry for someone at that age, because no one can promise you as well that you’re going to have a stable life. It was the worst time of my life.”
According to a survey conducted by Bipolar UK last year, 85% of respondents believed their experiences with stigma have caused them to think less about themselves and their abilities. Since getting diagnosed with bipolar, Rosie said she has noticed a stigma of shame and misunderstanding around the condition.
“That first month out of hospital, everyone started to speak to me in a hushed voice, there was so much shame around it,” said Rosie. ” I was also met with a lot of silence, people just didn’t want to talk about it and that just embedded this feeling that I had done something wrong. That just fuels those thoughts that everyone will be happy without you, that you’re a burden.”
For Rosie, getting prescribed the right medication was a real breakthrough moment. “My medication – anti-psychotics, which have mood stabilisers in – was the biggest breakthrough, because it gave me the energy to sleep properly, but to not over sleep,” said Rosie. “I think sleep is number one for managing bipolar. If you’re getting the right amount of hours, you’re going to be feeling so much better.”
Peer support has also made a huge difference for Rosie, who was connected to other women living with bipolar in London through Bipolar UK. “Having a community of girls in London of a similar age who also have bipolar has been a big turning point for me,” said Rosie. “It means that when I have a bad day, someone can actually understand what I’m going through, which is really incredible.”
Rosie hopes that by continuing to share her story online and through her role as a Bipolar UK ambassador, she can help other people feel less alone and address common misconceptions around this condition. “I want people to know that anyone can have bipolar. It can affect kind people, shy people, women, men – it doesn’t discriminate,” said Rosie.
“I think women are often scared to admit to having bipolar, because they might be speaking at 100 miles an hour, experience crippling depression and experience highs where everyone finds you quite intense. “I’m so at peace with that now, but I want young women to know that it’s totally normal and it’s not something to be embarrassed by. You don’t have to manage this alone.”
To find out more about bipolar or to find support visit https://www.bipolaruk.org/
