Richa Raval’s life was torn apart by coercive control. Here, 10 years on from it becoming an official offence, she bravely shares her story
It is 10 years this month since coercive control became an offence. According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, around 1.6 million women experience domestic abuse annually in England and Wales. Police record around 50,000 cases of coercive control in England and Wales each year. But of the domestic abuse that gets reported to police, recent research suggests coercive control could be up to over 80% of it.
As a result, world leading experts have urged the Government more needs to be done to prevent coercive control, provide victims with support, and encourage women to come forward to get help if they’re in a dangerous situation. Dr Cassandra Wiener, an Associate Professor in Law at City St George’s, University of London, works on the criminalisation of domestic abuse. She says:
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“Coercive control is domestic abuse where there is a purposeful pattern of behaviour used by perpetrators to harm, punish or frighten victims through assault, humiliation and intimidation, and, sometimes, through the loss of life.” She issues a stark warning: “The link between coercive control and homicide is clear.”
She says: “Police now recognise that they need to listen to victims – someone experiencing coercive control is best placed to tell you how frightened they are, and that fear must always be taken seriously. But more needs to be done to encourage women to leave these dangerous situations and come forward to get help.”
Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, adds: “Abuse doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. It often goes unrecognised, hiding in the seemingly small moments of control and manipulation. Coercive control is a sinister pattern of behaviour designed to isolate, manipulate and intimidate. Although it is less understood than other forms of abuse, such as physical violence, it can be equally as traumatic and harmful for survivors.
“Coercive control was made a criminal offence in 2015, but there is still a long way to go to ensure every perpetrator is brought to account. Across the board, convictions for domestic abuse remain woefully low. Sadly, this can make survivors less likely to come forward, seek support, or report abuse for fear they won’t be believed.” Coercive control can trap women in relationships by eroding autonomy and limiting safe choices, but with the right support, it is possible to leave and rebuild your life free from abuse.
Here coercive control survivor Richa Raval shares her story…
Volatile relationships growing up set a toxic pattern that followed Richa Raval into adult life, after a relative began controlling her friendships. Threatening her with violence if she disobeyed, Richa, 31, says: “It was my first experience of coercive control. It was extremely traumatic, but I didn’t realise the impact of it until I left.”
Moving to Miami in the US to study, aged 17, the psychological effects set in. Experiencing horrific nightmares and loss of appetite, her weight plummeted to 6st 6lb. And when she was 21 and fell for a man at university, she says: “In the beginning, he seemed very charming. There was a lot of lovebombing – showering me with affection and attention.
“He spoke 11 languages, he’d travelled to 90 countries. But he was also extremely intense and controlling. Richa, who grew up in India, says: “He wanted to talk constantly. If I didn’t reply for an hour he would say, ‘I feel disconnection’. He said he loved me and that he could see us getting married … within the first month. It was all so quick. I was swept off my feet and didn’t notice the warning signs.”
Soon, however, things unravelled. “I would see him with other girls and when I confronted him about it, he would gaslight me. He would say I was possessive. He wanted to know where I was at all times, and who I was hanging out with. He’d accuse me of lying, even though he was the one cheating. He began to isolate me from my friends, saying that they’d said things about me behind my back. I believed him. I became paranoid.”
But Richa found it impossible to leave. “I tried a couple of times, but I would be so miserable. Then the lovebombing would begin and he would say things that made me feel good, so I stayed.” Nine months into their relationship, Richa flew to India for her grandfather’s funeral – returning to Miami to discover he had cheated again.
“He said because I was grieving, I wasn’t interesting, so he didn’t see the value in me,” she recalls. But his cruelty finally prompted her to end things. Needing counselling, to rebuild her self-esteem, she says: “My therapist said I was repeating a pattern – looking for someone familiar to my past and hoping for a different outcome. It was time to break the cycle.”
Moving to Dallas, Texas, after university to work for an airline, her ex-boyfriend started calling her at 2am, saying he missed her, but making ridiculous demands. She says: “He told me ’I want to live rent-free in your place. I want to use your travel benefits to travel, and while I’m away I want you to look after my dog’. With more clarity, I was able to say no. And that was the last I heard from him.”
For two years, Richa, who now lives in Ealing, west London, with her finance manager partner Adam Miller, 33, and their golden retriever Coco, remained single – finding the courage to confront the relative who started her abusive rollercoaster. “There was a lot of forgiveness involved,” says Richa, who met Adam at work seven years ago. Being able to build a stable relationship is the biggest achievement of my life,” she says. “Adam loves me just as I am.” And she has used her experience to start Walnut, a platform which teaches healthy relationship skills. “It’s the toolkit I needed.”
*If you are in an abusive relationship and need confidential advice and support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Examples of coercive behaviour include (Source: Women’s Aid):
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
- Monitoring your time
- Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
- Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
- Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
- Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
- Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
- Controlling your finances
- Making threats or intimidating you
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